Go Back  DodgeForum.com > The DF Lounge > Off Topic
Reload this Page >

what would you do?

Off Topic A place to boldly go off topic. Just about anything goes.

what would you do?

  #1  
Old 12-08-2009, 02:44 PM
OklaHemi's Avatar
OklaHemi
OklaHemi is offline
Champion
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Collinsville, Oklahoma
Posts: 3,210
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default what would you do?

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
 
  #2  
Old 12-08-2009, 03:26 PM
Laramie1997's Avatar
Laramie1997
Laramie1997 is offline
Grand Champion
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Springfield MO
Posts: 6,980
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Ive had a few of those but I woukdnt have stood for a conversation. Even been a few times when Ive walked into a restroom and smelt a smell like that. I usually just turn right around and leave. Sometimes I ask "what crawled up in you and died"...
.
 
  #3  
Old 12-08-2009, 03:44 PM
Loud Pedal's Avatar
Loud Pedal
Loud Pedal is offline
The Total Package
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,599
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

NICE!!!!!

its nots that what you posted was funny(it really is kinda funny)


its how you worded it...there was sometimes that i could only read 2-3 words before i was gasping for more air
 
  #4  
Old 12-08-2009, 04:22 PM
shrpshtr325's Avatar
shrpshtr325
shrpshtr325 is offline
THE ULTI-MOD
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Union NJ
Posts: 19,667
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes on 2 Posts
Default

holy **** man, thats a great story, my rm is looking at me like i have 6 heads im laughing so hard, and im sure his gf on the other end of the phone is making comments about my laughing,
 
  #5  
Old 12-08-2009, 04:52 PM
OklaHemi's Avatar
OklaHemi
OklaHemi is offline
Champion
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Collinsville, Oklahoma
Posts: 3,210
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

let me clarify. this is not my story it was emailed to me from a buddy in colorado. i am just passing the laughs
 
  #6  
Old 12-08-2009, 05:10 PM
Frenchy
Frenchy is offline
Banned
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 0
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

i laughed

a lot.
 
  #7  
Old 12-08-2009, 07:37 PM
KRZY.BMET's Avatar
KRZY.BMET
KRZY.BMET is offline
Peaceful Browser
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Miramar, Florida
Posts: 4,960
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

That was a great story. I kinda figured it wasn't your story when you mentioned Lowes and court in the same sentence.

I however can relate to the whole story as that did happen to me one time when I was in in Big Lots and the dinner the night before were those 5 for a dollar burritos you get from the grocery store.... LOL!!!!
 
  #8  
Old 12-08-2009, 08:09 PM
dodge15004x45.9's Avatar
dodge15004x45.9
dodge15004x45.9 is offline
Legend
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Malvern Pa - Canadensis Pa
Posts: 7,950
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

I'm a fan of farting in the elevators and leaving and watching people get in.
 
  #9  
Old 12-09-2009, 01:19 AM
OklaHemi's Avatar
OklaHemi
OklaHemi is offline
Champion
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Collinsville, Oklahoma
Posts: 3,210
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

i like doing it in walmart and leaving my wife to suffer the looks of the passerbys. oh man she gets pissed
 
  #10  
Old 12-09-2009, 02:04 AM
Laramie1997's Avatar
Laramie1997
Laramie1997 is offline
Grand Champion
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Springfield MO
Posts: 6,980
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

No no no, you all are missing out.

Here is what ya do.
My Grandad taught me this a long time ago and it is effective.

When you are driving with the whole family in the car, reach down and either lock the windows or hold your hand over the buttons to keep anyone from putting them down. Then let the *** music roar. Gramps was famous for doing this on long road trips and would could stink a whole 3500 van in about 30seconds.
 

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service

© 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
 
  • Ask a Question
    Get answers from community experts
Question Title:
Description:
Your question will be posted in: