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Squirrel of DEATH!!

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Squirrel of DEATH!!

Old 10-29-2006, 09:01 AM
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Default Squirrel of DEATH!!

I got this off of z400central.com. Pretty funny

An original true story, written by a Battalion Fire Chief in a Mississippi town.


I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and
slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry
missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car. I really was not going very fast,
but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to
run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but
a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with
steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the
last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or
maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing
short of spectacular...He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know
better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little
tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25
mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil
rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I
recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It
really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one
of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could
have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel.

This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my
gloved finger with one of his little hands
and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my
BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting
activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled,
to say the least. The combination of the force of the
throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my
jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through
my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a
Valkyrie can only have one result.


This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I
screamed in...well...I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one
leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a
quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the
sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand
back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was
leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really
did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.

Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was
just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back
brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big
cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not
paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an
evil mutant **** attack squirrel of death), and he came
around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little
effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I
was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one
leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large
puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got
the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again,
pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could.
This time it worked... sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.

Picture a new scene.

You are a cop.

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and
parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans,
a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing
only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and
screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength
throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.


Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the
slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I
looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide
open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly
moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was
standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing.

The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the
squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his. I took a deep
breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best
to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot
of Band-Aids.

Old 10-29-2006, 11:11 AM
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Old 10-29-2006, 11:58 AM
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Old 10-29-2006, 01:42 PM
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Last edited by jonnymagnum; 05-08-2011 at 03:32 AM.
Old 10-29-2006, 06:29 PM
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Default RE: Squirrel of DEATH!!

That's GREAT!!!!!!!!!!


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