Hello all!

I got a pretty weird one. Scares everyone I talk to, guy at the auto parts store said my car was possessed by a demon. Maybe someone on here can shed some light on this issue. 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan 3.3L Flex Fuel engine

So, for starters, this has been an ongoing issue for a long while now, but finally rendered the car un-startable. Below is a list of the symptoms in the order that they happened.

-bought the car off of craigslist ( I know, I know... But I was broke, couldn't afford anything else )
-accessory socket at the back worked, but front one didn't. Interior lights also won't turn on.
-ran fine for a while
-interior lights worked for a minute
-accessory socket on the front worked for a minute, then sparked when I plugged in an outlet adapter. Died. Never revived from here.
-found that the battery was drained after parking it momentarily. Had to get a jump, but worked fine afterwards.
-interior lights died again
-Transmission had trouble shifting. Not slipping, but wouldn't shift when I put it into gear unless I floored it, then it shifted suddenly. (As if to send more power through the alternator???)
-meters on the dash would intermittently die and come back to life while driving. dash lights would be as bright as the cars RPMs. Power issues?
-got a new battery, didn't fix anything, same issues.
-on the highway, the cars meters all died suddenly and the car had trouble staying moving. Flooring it got me about 40mph maximum, and it was a struggle to keep it alive on the way home
-made it home, checked the wiring to the battery, everything is tight and fine.
-still started, but wouldn't get to speed.
-I had me a little ODBII-port light deal (https://www.autozone.com/gauges-and-...lay/571760_0_0) and when I drove it around for a bit and struggled to keep it up to speed, I took it home, and unplugging this device from the ODBII port killed it instantly.
-could start with a jump, but didn't stay on any longer than I had my foot on the gas.
-checked all the fuses, fine.
-relays would rapidly click when I tried to start it
-swapped each of the relays with a new one from the auto parts store, none of them worked
-found that there was an aftermarket alarm system installed. Ripped it out, spliced back together the starter wire.
-car won't start, no crank, rapid clicking on relay #13 under the dash, left side now.
-Replaced that, same deal, still clicked.
-short to ground? Voltmeter found that there resistance between the positive and negative connections when the battery was out! The hunt was on to find the short!
-traced every wire under the hood, save for the bundle that goes under the intake manifold. There was no thick positive cable going there, so I didn't check it. No short was found. Isolated the short to the fuse box itself.
-tore apart the fusebox looking for a charred insect or something.
-perfectly fine. But... wait... at the top of the fuse box, there's a positive and negative connection bolted to the same piece of metal?? Is that normal???
-put it back together, still won't start. No crank, no nothing.

I'm at my wits end here. I feel it wise to consult the experts on the internet before net neutrality gets shot. I have a list of things to check still (starter wire power when I try to start, and the starter itself, and the cables that go from under the hood to the interior instrument panel) but I was wondering if anyone on here had heard of similar things happening? Maybe you could point me in the right direction? Would the transmission shifting problem happen with a short to ground problem, or is it the transmission itself? Has anyone heard of a PCM or TCM failing and causing similar issues?

But I need to know, is it normal to have the positive and negative battery terminal connected to the same piece of metal on the top of the fuse box? Isn't that a horribly catastrophic short to ground on the fusebox? If that is the case, can anyone explain why one would do that? I'm at a complete loss here

Thank you so much for reading my long post. I just don't know where to go at this point, as I cannot afford a mechanic, and all the ones I talked to are scared of this thing.

 

I’m having the same trouble with my transmission, also my relay under the dash I’ve swapped around still hear the ticking. When I pull the speaker relay it stops. So my ex had some subs wired in and all that fun stuff but not from a professional. Now I’m trying to find a short in mine. Had to pull the memory fuse and re insert a new one for it to stop just don’t touch the stereo power button. I’m at my wits end as well and thinking of just selling it!

 

So I'm living this same nightmare, and I've been through 2 batteries already. I get a buzzing noise as well after car is completely off at the ignition fuse and have actually heard grumbly, bubbling coming from the battery while the car is off. Both batteries progressively bloated and burn up the cells.
So I guess I'm asking if you figured it out.