I called the dealership to tell them I had been misreading my multimeter and correct what I told them when I dropped the van off about the wonky voltage readings during the drop test, and my service advisor told me to come pick the van up because non of the technicians wanted to diagnose my van. I guess my story of 55volts, and 20+volts, and parasitic draw was too unappealing.
It looks like I'll just have to buy one battery per year.
GumbyRT, with the DVOM leads bridging the gap between battery negative post and its negative cable to test parasitic draw is .5Amps for 7 minutes, then .22Amps for 2 minutes then .008Amps continually if I recall correctly, to fall asleep seems sort of normal; What do you think?

 

Yes, that’s completely normal, which is why you need to let the test run for at least 45 minutes or longer before concluding the result. If you let it go all night, it will probably be drawing even less than 8 mA.

Even in sleep mode, the modules will communicate with each other every now and then through pinging. That’s why Dodge uses the IOD fuse - so that when the vehicle is stored for extended periods of time, the IOD fuse can be removed to prevent the modules from draining the battery.

 

Why didn't you ask for battery load test at Autozone they hook up tester check cold cranking amps of the battery flip the switch for 10 seconds and if the needle stays in the green the battery good if not the battery is bad need replacing. Don't let some quack that work at Autozone diagnose your vehicle they have enough hard time to give the right parts when ask for them. 9.3 volts while cranking an engine is way too low that indicates a bad battery. Battery are made to last more than a year even with short driving distances. Heck one of my neighbour an elderly lady has a 12 year old car with less than 50k on it and the original battery lasted 8 years and I replaced it with a Kirkland brand battery 4 years ago and it's still good and she only drive short distances about 2 to 3 times week. We get hard winter cold weather the battery is no issue in her case. You've replaced the alternator have you got the right size for your vehicle I know my GC has a 160 amp alternator I know some GC has a 120 amp alternator a smaller alternator would give you problem of not being able to run all the accessories and charge the battery properly. Unfortunately it seem that your van has been an electrical nightmare from the start maybe it's best that you seek some good professional help from a specialized Auto Electric Shop that know the in and out of the modern automotive electrical system.