ot...more humor
Thread Starter
|
Banned
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,619
Likes: 0
From:
ot...more humor
courtesy of
http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...6.msg16624#new
****4 "stories" to read ******
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE
HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON
ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING
ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
A young lady tells us WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
I have never read nor heard a more truthful analogy than this one.
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH
PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one
in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and
he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he
finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good
times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the
people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They
are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven
has been delightful, but I think I would be better off
in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls
from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's
just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning. Today you voted."
A man comes from from work and finds his wife packing her clothes. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm tired of putting up with you and being taken for granted, I'm moving to Vegas where I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free."
She comes downstairs, bag in hand and sees him sitting at the computer. Curious she goes over to see what he is doing. He is looking at apartments for rent in Las Vegas. She asks him why he is looking for an apartment for her instead of trying to stop her. He says"It's not for you, it's for me. I want to watch you try to live off $800.00 a year."
http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...6.msg16624#new
****4 "stories" to read ******
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE
HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON
ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING
ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
A young lady tells us WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
I have never read nor heard a more truthful analogy than this one.
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH
PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one
in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and
he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he
finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good
times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the
people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They
are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven
has been delightful, but I think I would be better off
in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls
from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's
just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning. Today you voted."
A man comes from from work and finds his wife packing her clothes. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm tired of putting up with you and being taken for granted, I'm moving to Vegas where I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free."
She comes downstairs, bag in hand and sees him sitting at the computer. Curious she goes over to see what he is doing. He is looking at apartments for rent in Las Vegas. She asks him why he is looking for an apartment for her instead of trying to stop her. He says"It's not for you, it's for me. I want to watch you try to live off $800.00 a year."