Male Wedding Plans:
What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Cummins Turbo Diesel!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ****.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
Invitations would read as follows...
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

 

[sm=icon_cheers.gif]

 

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from OhioState University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.[/align]













At a news conference,[/align]
after announcing the invention,[/align]
a large group of men[/align]
took Dr. Rickson outside[/align]
and kicked the **** out of him[/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]

 

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the
bird's cage up in her living room &waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw & said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him & said, "Hi, Keith."

 

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

 

In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model
employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial
setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?

The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day,
monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize
Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one
will have to be fired.

The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even
taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't
spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.

Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent
workers, the choice is going to be even harder."

The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some
aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She
takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes
back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time
calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes
some more aspirin and leaves early.

The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.

So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill,
I am afraid I either have to lay you or Jack off."

And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because I've got a
headache."

 

LMAO ... that was AWWSOME !!!

I'm definately gonna use that one in my next collum