Just checked for continuity, exists from terminal 87 (on the ASD) to the ignition coil, and from terminal 87 to all of the fuel injectors

 

Just checked resistance on my Crankshaft Position Sensor (terminals B and C), got resistance of 22 M Ohm. Bad CPS?

 

My brother found the issue - the main grounding wire coming off the PCM was disconnected, rendering me with a world of symptoms and no solutions.

Hooked it back up to the back of the right head, and the truck fired up! Best day ever. Slight exhaust leak, but I'll find it and fix it right away.

Thanks for the help, crazy!!