Anyway, you won't even be able to start the thing immediately, nor would it be advisable. Some prep work is in order. This is based on how we got my brother's Festiva going after it sat for 5 years:

First, pull the spark plugs and fog some WD-40 into the cylinders. It'll have plenty of time to penetrate while you're doing the rest of this:

Pump the brake pedal a few times. Does it offer resistance, or did the rotten lines just blow and dump brake fluid all over the driveway? Fix those before trying to move it, obviously.

Put some air in the tires and see if they hold. They'll feel square if you try to drive on them, but if they hold air you can try it. Just keep a spare and a chase vehicle close at hand for the first few miles. Check the spare, too.

You'll need a new battery, guaranteed. The old one's plates are sitting at the bottom of the cells, a crumbled pile of lead sulfate. What's great is that they'll still refund your core charge when you bring the old one back for recycling.

Take the serpentine belt off and make sure the alternator, water pump, air conditioner, and everything turns when you twist it by hand. Seized bearings here could be a pain, but it's better to know before you shred a belt finding out. Throw a socket wrench on the crankshaft bolt and attempt to turn it a few degrees back and forth. If it moves, you're a lucky dog. Run it through at least 2 revolutions by hand, to smear that WD-40 around the cylinder walls. Then put the belt back on. Might as well make it a new belt, as the old one's trash.

Disconnect the fuel line from the fuel rail and point it into a gas can, or into a hose leading to a.. you know. Turn the key to Run and let the fuel pump empty the tank. Pour a half gallon of fresh gas in, with some alcohol added, and let it purge the foul spoiled gas from the lines. Reconnect the fuel line and put in some more new gas.

Drain whatever oil wants to come out, and refill with fresh, cheap oil. You're going to do another oil change tomorrow so it doesn't have to be good. You'll be doing the filter tomorrow too, so leave it for now.

Final critter check: Nothing living in the vents? No bees in the alternator, hornets in the tensioner? Crank it over a few times to let all the parts move, then put the sparkplugs back in. Start it up and stand back: The old varnish still in the fuel rail will stink to high heaven, and the WD-40 will burn off in a cloud of smoke. The worst should be over in about 20 seconds.

So is it running? Check the instrument panel: Oil pressure light? Shut down immediately, check the dipstick and driveway to see which has more oil on it. Alternator or charging system light? Check the serpentine belt, and throw a real voltmeter on the battery terminals. Radio work? Set the clock and pat yourself on the back.

If you don't feel confident doing all this yourself, or have a friend who reads this and grins, just have it towed somewhere. Especially don't try to move it if the brakes won't withstand you standing on the pedal.

Within the next week, plan on replacing the coolant and hoses because the degrade with time. Transmission fluid too, though if it's been well sealed this might not be a big deal. Do that second oil change, really. Run a bottle of injector cleaner through the fuel system, this is one of the rare instances where it might accomplish something.

Good luck, and have fun driving on those square tires until they regain some flexibility!
posted by Myself at 2:27 AM on December 11, 2006 [23 favorites]

i suspect the reason the questioner is asking about telling the mechanic the truth is out of fear that the mechanic will take advantage of the situation by recommending a lot of useless work.

if possible, look for a mechanic who comes highly recommended by someone you trust.
posted by jjsonp at 4:28 AM on December 11, 2006