Thursday Funny
#1
03-22-2007, 02:37 PM
Thursday Funny
I did a search to make sure, but if this is a repost, bite me. I have seen this on a bunch of forums I moderate, and wasn't sure if you guys had a chance to read this yet. I hope you enjoy!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a GREAT gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 42nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA-batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot on the face of our microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right??!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. Such a sweet kitty. But really, if I'm going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses delicately bridged on my nose, directions in one hand, taser in the other. The directions stated a one-second burst would shock and disorient an assailant; a two second burst would cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would puportedly make you assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds, is a waste of batteries.
So I'm sitting there looking at this 5" long device, less that 3/4" circumference: pretty cute really. (loaded with only 2 only 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "NO POSSIBLE WAY".....
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it master", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the HECK of it.....
I touched the prongs to my thigh and pushed the button and....
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
(*&^%$)(#$@_)(&*^%$)
I'm sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, please do it again"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution"
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
when you zap YOURSELF!!! You will not let go of the thing until it is dislodged from you hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
That hurt like HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point) I collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my ********* and offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a GREAT gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 42nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA-batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot on the face of our microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right??!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. Such a sweet kitty. But really, if I'm going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses delicately bridged on my nose, directions in one hand, taser in the other. The directions stated a one-second burst would shock and disorient an assailant; a two second burst would cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would puportedly make you assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds, is a waste of batteries.
So I'm sitting there looking at this 5" long device, less that 3/4" circumference: pretty cute really. (loaded with only 2 only 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "NO POSSIBLE WAY".....
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it master", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the HECK of it.....
I touched the prongs to my thigh and pushed the button and....
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
(*&^%$)(#$@_)(&*^%$)
I'm sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, please do it again"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution"
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
when you zap YOURSELF!!! You will not let go of the thing until it is dislodged from you hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
That hurt like HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point) I collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my ********* and offering a significant reward for their safe return.
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