Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.
After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and
walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me
to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became
agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained
silent. Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was
confronted by the captain:

"Report."

"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."

"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."

"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will
cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the
count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three." ZZZZZT.
WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien *** over teakettle. The
captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would
propel him.

"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"

"Yes sir. What happened sir?"

"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."

"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."

"How did you know that there would be trouble?"

"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his
feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard."

 

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister,
Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man,
have you found Jesus yet?"

The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"

 

One more....


It seems that a little girl and and a little boy are arguing about differences
between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls
are. The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the
real issue is which of the two children is superior.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll
never have!"
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She
turns and runs home.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her
pants, and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of
those as I want!"

 

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy looked straight into his eyes, and Said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's
eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in Jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her Husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the AtlantaHumane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.




alright. . .enough for now. . .I gotta get to work. . .supervisor not here today so guess who's the next man on the totem pole[:@]