ot ...humor
Thread Starter
|
Banned
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,619
Likes: 0
From:
ot ...humor
thanks to the guys at http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/smf/index.php
I have some humor to share
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
“Business trip or vacation?” he asks.
“Business,” she replies. “The annual sex convention.”
“What are you doing there?”
“Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality,” she answers.
“Like what?” asks the guy.
“People think African men are the most endowed, but it’s actually Native American men,” she says. “And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it’s actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity.”
Blushing, the woman adds, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all this. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” says the man. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux.”
A married woman goes to a new dentist, and immediately the two fall in love. Every week she makes an appointment to see him so they can be together, until one day the woman notices that the dentist seems worried.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“We have to stop seeing each other,” the dentist replies. “Your husband must be getting suspicious—you’re always here.”
“No way, honey,” replies the woman. “We’ve been meeting for six months, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“Really?” asks the dentist. “Even though you’re down to one tooth?”
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your @ss.
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to
watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at
the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with
you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo
Polly don’t want crackers
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"
"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Onions and Christmas Trees!!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties,a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of '*******' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his ***** is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only[/align]
for more, go to http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...hp?topic=426.0
I have some humor to share
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
“Business trip or vacation?” he asks.
“Business,” she replies. “The annual sex convention.”
“What are you doing there?”
“Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality,” she answers.
“Like what?” asks the guy.
“People think African men are the most endowed, but it’s actually Native American men,” she says. “And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it’s actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity.”
Blushing, the woman adds, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all this. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” says the man. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux.”
A married woman goes to a new dentist, and immediately the two fall in love. Every week she makes an appointment to see him so they can be together, until one day the woman notices that the dentist seems worried.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“We have to stop seeing each other,” the dentist replies. “Your husband must be getting suspicious—you’re always here.”
“No way, honey,” replies the woman. “We’ve been meeting for six months, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“Really?” asks the dentist. “Even though you’re down to one tooth?”
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your @ss.
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to
watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at
the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with
you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo
Polly don’t want crackers
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"
"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Onions and Christmas Trees!!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties,a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of '*******' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his ***** is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only[/align]
for more, go to http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...hp?topic=426.0
Champion
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 4,537
Likes: 0
RE: ot ...humor
not too bad...but Im still not taking back what I said...your still the least funny MF Ive ever met, except when your trying to do a burn out! hehehe
Oh brotha...the opertunities we pass up in this life...you had your chanceand blew it hehehehe
Oh brotha...the opertunities we pass up in this life...you had your chanceand blew it hehehehe
Record Breaker
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,512
Likes: 0
RE: ot ...humor
those were all funny but i have a video to represent the shower one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qehxjub5lyo
(its a pretty good video although she dont show[:@], but this is all very accurate!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qehxjub5lyo
(its a pretty good video although she dont show[:@], but this is all very accurate!)
Record Breaker
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,060
Likes: 0
RE: ot ...humor
Kev thank you so much for posting these - -
Every time you guys post some goofy thing about women I realize EXACTLY how much I'm not a normal girl
Every time you guys post some goofy thing about women I realize EXACTLY how much I'm not a normal girl
