Time to laugh!!
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Time to laugh!!
Please read the following.....
brought to you by: http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...?topic=426.275
Kids...
To all my friends with Children: This is why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and M ommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
[/align]
drunks...
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”
“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly woman in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
are you blonde ladies??????.......
Leaving Work Early!!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss.
Each day they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left
they would leave right behind her.
After all she never called, or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She
did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and
went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout
and a spa before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom
door she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day at their coffee break the redhead and
the brunette planned to leave early again and they
asked the blonde if she was going with them.
No way the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday.
Golfing.....
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
Remember, you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Have a great day!
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks..
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.
And just like that...
.....her ears fell off
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ yo u're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ di dn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...hp?topic=426.0
brought to you by: http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...?topic=426.275
Kids...
To all my friends with Children: This is why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and M ommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
[/align]
drunks...
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”
“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly woman in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
are you blonde ladies??????.......
Leaving Work Early!!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss.
Each day they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left
they would leave right behind her.
After all she never called, or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She
did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and
went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout
and a spa before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom
door she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day at their coffee break the redhead and
the brunette planned to leave early again and they
asked the blonde if she was going with them.
No way the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday.
Golfing.....
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
Remember, you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Have a great day!
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks..
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.
And just like that...
.....her ears fell off
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ yo u're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ di dn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/...hp?topic=426.0
