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Your battery is probably so dead that it won't even pass through sufficient current to power the coils or almost anything else, even with a jump. It doesn't take much to read the correct voltage, though.
if he hooked up jumper cables i would think he would at least get lights. It sounds like you have a bad ground somewhere. check the body ground on the firewall and the cable going to the fuse box. maybe a bad fuse
I leaning more towards bad fuse right now. I can't see my alternator being bad since my multimeter is showing 12.75 volts. I'm gonna check the ground on the firewall tomorrow it's too cold right now
So you have checked and verified all the connections are tight? Batter posts, grounds, etc? Sounds to me like the battery is toast. Reading the voltage won't tell you anything. You need to have it load tested.