Death flash
#7
10-27-2010 | 08:27 PM
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Joined: May 2010
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From: The Box
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#8
10-27-2010 | 09:18 PM
Champion
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,697
Likes: 3
From: Cape Carteret NC
once upon a time, in a reality far far away, a group of engineers stood around at the water cooler and hatched the greatest Revenge of the Nerds ever considered.. The plan was huge, inconceivable, and the chances of success were small.. Being engineers though, they had become somewhat bored with the friendly and competitive challenges of swapping equations, and thought enough to present it to the managers..
As we all know, Dodge was yet again facing declining sales and it looked to be the end of the road- even for the four wheel drive vehicles.. Managers were having an increasingly difficult time retaining quality engineers, and salary's were losing their grip due to the faltering interest.. Once the wind carried the 'never ending keg' story to the ears of the R&D manager, and him being equipped with a great sense of human nature, the plan was approved. The result, as the manager envisioned, was building an 'esprit de corps' amongst his subordinates, and building interest for future engineers to come to his company.
The keg was the easy part. It killed not only one, but several stones with one bird.. (yes, I meant to say that).. It saved production costs by using inferior metals, eased mass production, and places several items needed for the engine to operate in one really bad design.. It was perfect..
The first 'keg' was donated by the mechanics wives club, and after the Super Bowl. It was placed in a magical shrinking device which lowered it's displacement and aligned the ribs to double as ports (the latter being the goal, the previous an actual accident). As it happened, only one keg could be split down the center along it's axis, and used for two power plants.. A nice side benefit discovered was the remaining beer we always suspected residing in kegs was in fact there, and was subsequently consumed by the engineers present.
As far as the wives club were concerned, in addition to what others referred to as a 'trash pile', but at least one of the more tax savvy engineers identified as a 'tax deductible donation', metal pans with the remains of baked buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, and potato skins adhered to them were swiftly utilized as the 'pan' on the belly of the keg. This worked out great for the engineers cost minded project. Bolts were also found in a similar fashion, when a few carrier bolts (that the engineers DIDN'T design) were left over from hanging the fire suppression system. These bolts were long, but they were serviceable... And it worked...
Kegs were collected from all over the town.. Some were Bud Light, others Miller, there were even the rare El Presidente kegs found. All were placed in the magical shrinking machine, and shrunk to size (after the extra beer was released).. Engineers lined up by the hundreds to apply for work there. More jalapeno poppers were baked, and potato skins as well.. None of the engineers baked buffalo wings, as even being engineers they were mostly guys and knew that only deep frying wings works.. They had enough, after a few weeks, to build the entire model year.
The first customer complaints were about strange smells emitting from the engine compartment that wreaked of stale beer and 'sumpthin mexican'.. but they faded after some time, and it was almost forgotten.. The next batch of complaints rolled in, which is what the engineers were banking on- these complaints were about 'pre-ignition' or 'pinging'.. The engineers breathed a sigh of relief, as they were starting to believe their plan had met an untimely demise- and subsequently their bet with the computer (read: PCM) engineers.. You see, they had bet the computer twerps that they could create an issue that would keep them afloat a few more years, and were about to lose that bet before the first pings begun.. Whew, that was close..
The twerps wrote a program- which they dubbed the 'death flash', because it killed the engineers hopes that they could win the bet.. The death flash was successful from both engineers vantages (the drunks and the twerps), as it effectively reduced pinging to a 'only special cases where the customer has abused the vehicle'... The 'flash' reduced horsepower from the already unremarkable power plant, and reduced the economy. It did, though, NOT backfire on the engineers because they didn't have to pull all those kegs (with that nasty charred jalapenos on them) on every vehicle sold and replace them with either an aluminum plate of proper thickness, a fel-pro steel encapsulated gasket, or proper length bolts. This made not only the engineers, but also the management, the upper management, and the mechanic staff VERY happy.. what are a few ponies or a few extra gallons of fuel? Life was indeed good for the drunk engineers who drafted their own success..
Later, after the flash had been identified, the cookie sheets discovered, and the bolts identified as what they were (carrier bolts), and public outcry by the consumer was at a peak- Dodge engineers hatched the last and greatest phase of their plan- pissing off the tech rooms on dodge forums..
You see, in the beginning, long before the first keg was drained and shrunk, the conversation at the water cooler didn't consist of draining donated kegs from the wives club and using them as a part, or challenging the tech twerps with programming a 'fix' which would gain them life expectancy in a flailing company.. No.. the conversation was spawned by the interest of pissing off people who try to explain this all every time someone asks. No matter how often or prolific the message boards are with this question, it will still be asked.. and nobody will ever believe it.. which complicates the issue.. and makes telling it difficult..
See, now wasn't that fun?
Mod, please sticky this to the top of the page henceforth and forever..
thank you..
smile guys.. life's too short not to have fun with it..
As we all know, Dodge was yet again facing declining sales and it looked to be the end of the road- even for the four wheel drive vehicles.. Managers were having an increasingly difficult time retaining quality engineers, and salary's were losing their grip due to the faltering interest.. Once the wind carried the 'never ending keg' story to the ears of the R&D manager, and him being equipped with a great sense of human nature, the plan was approved. The result, as the manager envisioned, was building an 'esprit de corps' amongst his subordinates, and building interest for future engineers to come to his company.
The keg was the easy part. It killed not only one, but several stones with one bird.. (yes, I meant to say that).. It saved production costs by using inferior metals, eased mass production, and places several items needed for the engine to operate in one really bad design.. It was perfect..
The first 'keg' was donated by the mechanics wives club, and after the Super Bowl. It was placed in a magical shrinking device which lowered it's displacement and aligned the ribs to double as ports (the latter being the goal, the previous an actual accident). As it happened, only one keg could be split down the center along it's axis, and used for two power plants.. A nice side benefit discovered was the remaining beer we always suspected residing in kegs was in fact there, and was subsequently consumed by the engineers present.
As far as the wives club were concerned, in addition to what others referred to as a 'trash pile', but at least one of the more tax savvy engineers identified as a 'tax deductible donation', metal pans with the remains of baked buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, and potato skins adhered to them were swiftly utilized as the 'pan' on the belly of the keg. This worked out great for the engineers cost minded project. Bolts were also found in a similar fashion, when a few carrier bolts (that the engineers DIDN'T design) were left over from hanging the fire suppression system. These bolts were long, but they were serviceable... And it worked...
Kegs were collected from all over the town.. Some were Bud Light, others Miller, there were even the rare El Presidente kegs found. All were placed in the magical shrinking machine, and shrunk to size (after the extra beer was released).. Engineers lined up by the hundreds to apply for work there. More jalapeno poppers were baked, and potato skins as well.. None of the engineers baked buffalo wings, as even being engineers they were mostly guys and knew that only deep frying wings works.. They had enough, after a few weeks, to build the entire model year.
The first customer complaints were about strange smells emitting from the engine compartment that wreaked of stale beer and 'sumpthin mexican'.. but they faded after some time, and it was almost forgotten.. The next batch of complaints rolled in, which is what the engineers were banking on- these complaints were about 'pre-ignition' or 'pinging'.. The engineers breathed a sigh of relief, as they were starting to believe their plan had met an untimely demise- and subsequently their bet with the computer (read: PCM) engineers.. You see, they had bet the computer twerps that they could create an issue that would keep them afloat a few more years, and were about to lose that bet before the first pings begun.. Whew, that was close..
The twerps wrote a program- which they dubbed the 'death flash', because it killed the engineers hopes that they could win the bet.. The death flash was successful from both engineers vantages (the drunks and the twerps), as it effectively reduced pinging to a 'only special cases where the customer has abused the vehicle'... The 'flash' reduced horsepower from the already unremarkable power plant, and reduced the economy. It did, though, NOT backfire on the engineers because they didn't have to pull all those kegs (with that nasty charred jalapenos on them) on every vehicle sold and replace them with either an aluminum plate of proper thickness, a fel-pro steel encapsulated gasket, or proper length bolts. This made not only the engineers, but also the management, the upper management, and the mechanic staff VERY happy.. what are a few ponies or a few extra gallons of fuel? Life was indeed good for the drunk engineers who drafted their own success..
Later, after the flash had been identified, the cookie sheets discovered, and the bolts identified as what they were (carrier bolts), and public outcry by the consumer was at a peak- Dodge engineers hatched the last and greatest phase of their plan- pissing off the tech rooms on dodge forums..
You see, in the beginning, long before the first keg was drained and shrunk, the conversation at the water cooler didn't consist of draining donated kegs from the wives club and using them as a part, or challenging the tech twerps with programming a 'fix' which would gain them life expectancy in a flailing company.. No.. the conversation was spawned by the interest of pissing off people who try to explain this all every time someone asks. No matter how often or prolific the message boards are with this question, it will still be asked.. and nobody will ever believe it.. which complicates the issue.. and makes telling it difficult..
See, now wasn't that fun?
Mod, please sticky this to the top of the page henceforth and forever..
thank you..
smile guys.. life's too short not to have fun with it..
