His mom wanted a small celebration with friends and family. It was quite a turnout and I should have snapped some pictures.

 

even the little ones care

 

Happy B-Day kiddo.

 

We've finally been able to come up with some gravestone ideas and were supposed to meet at the cemetery earlier this week; however, a dental visit put the kibosh on my attending. Jennifer, Gabriel's mother, took a sketch of our idea to the folks at the cemetery and after a bit of sketching and fiddling came up with an design she said "is awesome". It's going to incorporate some 3D-type etching and various design elements. We're going to have to wait for 8-weeks or so to proof the design. I'll throw up some pics once we have a final product.

 

Back in January, Jennifer and I were to get with the cemetery to work out the headstone design. Unfortunately, I was dumb enough to ingest Percoset after a dental procedure, which made me nauseous and dizzy. So, I was unable to accompany her. We had already worked out an idea for a design and obtained a few quotes. The people at the cemetery worked with her to meet the quotes from the other suppliers and beat them by including a forever warranty in the event of damage. She spent four hours working with them (and trying to get through the entire ordeal by taking a few breaks) and finally came up with a final design. The proof looks absolutely outstanding and the final product should be ready by the end of April/first part of May. I figured it would come in north of $5K but is actually just under $4K. I'll post a picture once it's delivered and set.

Just for the record, I've been using this forum as kind of a badly needed release. I thought I was getting a bit better but not really. It's really difficult to deal with people always asking how I'm doing. I don't want to talk about it and although they may mean well it sours my mood and they then wonder what's wrong. I have come very close to just walking out the door at work several times over the past few months. Sometimes, on the drive to school or home I've contemplated not returning to work. It seems the only time I can focus on the task at hand is my classes. Unfortunately, they are only 1-hour and 20-minutes of a break from reality.

 

It's gonna take time man. Grin and bear it as long as you have to. You could always get a lapel pin: "No, I don't wanna talk about it, and yes, I am doing just fine."

 

I remember after losing a brother many years ago that I would get really angry when people woud say they knew how I felt. I even cussed some of them out. I was out of control and wrong for doing that. But it was so hard...for a long time. I still miss John, and he has been gone 32 year (he was 21). Not angry any more as I got past that part a long time ago, but still miss him.

I am very caustious and deliberate when speaking to someone about their loss. I will not tell someone that they will "get over it" in time, as you never really get over it. One can only hope things get better over time.

 

Hang in there buddy. If you need anything just pm me or anyone on here for that matter.

 

You've no doubt been through the ringer, dub... you've also been given the responsibility that should be asked of no man..

I've never lost a child, hell.. I don't even have children.. I've no clue what that means, but I can guess it to be the most painful thing there is to endure.. I can imagine such a thing really makes a man take inventory of his world and what is important..

I've been around combat too much, and I've seen folks fall- and other than the shock on their faces in that "how is this happening to me?' look, I see disappointment.. I'm guessing that disappointment is outlined by the sudden realization they didn't reach for the things they really wanted to for reluctance of some variation, that they wouldn't be able to see the conclusion of their endeavors, or maybe simply the flash of the things important to them that will be left dangling- such as goodbyes to loved ones.. It makes a man wonder.. sorta vicariously, I think to myself (too many times now) "I need to live the rest of my life the way I want to, and not the way others want"..

I've only experienced this with men who knew what they were up against, and who made a decision to enter that game.. I can't imagine dealing with it if it were someone truly close to me, and that I had more than a 'guess' as to what they were thinking in those closing seconds..

"... What lies behind you ain't your fortune, whats out before you keeps you bound. You'll ride through hell to claim your portion; the only true thing I have found.."

As far as advice or insight- I have none, except for 'answer only to yourself and those you deem worthy of answering to'..

"... Men lead lives of quiet desperation; we do what we feel we must, and we sacrifice everything else..."

what I'm getting at, is live the way you want.. you get one spin on this rock.. don't exit with regret.. if your work weighs on you like it sounds it does, EFF IT.. Living in guilt of shortchanging yourself is tough.. Living like you want to is also tough- but the reward (even if you're perpetually broke) is great..

you're talking about it.. that is good.. keep talking.. my guess is you will find a direction and a way to peace.. Identifying the things that weigh on you, and the things that lift you is the path.. that isn't to say it won't be the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with- Personally, I can't imagine anything being tougher..

you have a family here too, dude.. if you want to chat, I imagine there will be more than a few takers..

 

I never have said anything regarding this tragedy, but I always wanted to. When the initial donation offer came up, I tried to donate, but paypal wouldn't accept my debit card, no matter how many times I tried. When the funeral date was announced, I wanted to come out and attend, but wouldn't you know it, my truck broke. I want to let you know VW that I have tried to remember you in my prayers over the last several months, and although I am new around here, I would do anything I could to help you (or anybody) out if the opportunity presented itself. I will keep praying for you, and like everyone else has said, if you want/need some company or a wrench buddy or something, I am just a stones throw (with a really strong arm) away in Shreveport.